Really appreciate the explanation of why advice can actually be counterproductive. It also explains why - in other hard moments beyond just grief - a friend giving me advice can make me more upset... that’s a big lightbulb moment! Thanks again Sue 💜
Thanks Leona! I think we all want to ‘fix’ things for each other, when our default gear should really be just listening.....and perhaps ASKING what the other person needs in terms of response. Not just assuming. I think having teenagers makes me understand that most times people are not looking for a solution, just a listening ear...and some consolation. Thanks for amplifying this! 💕
This is so insightful. And I just saw it in action, not in response to a death but in response to the loss of a hope, a dream, an expectation. My daughters friends reached out to her to console her. They knew before she could even tell them how devastated she was. One of them even left her a voicemail in tears telling her how she loved her and how phenomenal she is. We know how to do this. Sue is so right. It’s just covered up in layers of our own fear.
Dave, my heart goes out to your daughter. Thanks for bringing this real world example of consoling to light - that’s why this space is more than just talking about grief and loss from the perspective of a death......it is about taking those lessons and seeing how they apply to all aspects of our lives. Teenagers don’t have some of those fear filters (yet) and their consoling can be more unencumbered.....so great! It also makes me think, they would have been there to celebrate your daughter if the news was positive, and they were still there to console her when it wasn’t. As adults, that’s a great gut check - if we would celebrate with a friend, we can equally bring our energy (if not more) to console. Thanks for making us realize again that we know how to do this. ❤️
Lisa, thank you so much for this - I really, really do want this post to be about the tactical elements of consoling better. And I am so, so sorry for the loss of your father - you were so young! This proves the point that we are surrounded by people who have experienced profound losses, but we never talk about these things so do not know that we share this common human experience. Thank you for sharing that. And the more I write, the more I understand Mike, so I really do get it when you say you understand your mom’s actions better. We are here to make life better for people like your mom. By sharing ideas, consolation and community. Thanks so much for sharing a piece of your life!
Sue, my timely reading of this has been so helpful. A week ago a good friend lost her husband (also a good friend) suddenly to a heart attack. They are part of a group of 4 couples; we've known one another for more than 25 years after we met moving into the same neighborhood so long ago. The two of them had just spent a month in France. But between the arrival of the flight from Paris and the connection to Denver, he had a heart attack. He was only one year my senior. All of us are shocked; he was the fit and healthy guy among our husbands. She retired this year and he was getting closer (although he loved what he did). They had lots of travel plans, including frequent visits to sons with grandkids on both coasts. This topic of consolation is so helpful to understanding how to be light to the person rolling through waves of tremendous grief. Your perspective helps me to not be worried about disturbing them more or bringing them more pain. When she finally makes it back home, we will all be here to tell stories, share photos and help her remember the happier times; memories that will hopefully sprinkle some light into the darkness. I also want to thank you for creating this blog. My mom was suddenly a widow at 32 with three girls under the age of 10. This blog would have certainly helped her be stronger if it had existed 56 years ago! You've helped me understand some things about my past too, so thanks again.
Really appreciate the explanation of why advice can actually be counterproductive. It also explains why - in other hard moments beyond just grief - a friend giving me advice can make me more upset... that’s a big lightbulb moment! Thanks again Sue 💜
Thanks Leona! I think we all want to ‘fix’ things for each other, when our default gear should really be just listening.....and perhaps ASKING what the other person needs in terms of response. Not just assuming. I think having teenagers makes me understand that most times people are not looking for a solution, just a listening ear...and some consolation. Thanks for amplifying this! 💕
This is so insightful. And I just saw it in action, not in response to a death but in response to the loss of a hope, a dream, an expectation. My daughters friends reached out to her to console her. They knew before she could even tell them how devastated she was. One of them even left her a voicemail in tears telling her how she loved her and how phenomenal she is. We know how to do this. Sue is so right. It’s just covered up in layers of our own fear.
Dave, my heart goes out to your daughter. Thanks for bringing this real world example of consoling to light - that’s why this space is more than just talking about grief and loss from the perspective of a death......it is about taking those lessons and seeing how they apply to all aspects of our lives. Teenagers don’t have some of those fear filters (yet) and their consoling can be more unencumbered.....so great! It also makes me think, they would have been there to celebrate your daughter if the news was positive, and they were still there to console her when it wasn’t. As adults, that’s a great gut check - if we would celebrate with a friend, we can equally bring our energy (if not more) to console. Thanks for making us realize again that we know how to do this. ❤️
Lisa, thank you so much for this - I really, really do want this post to be about the tactical elements of consoling better. And I am so, so sorry for the loss of your father - you were so young! This proves the point that we are surrounded by people who have experienced profound losses, but we never talk about these things so do not know that we share this common human experience. Thank you for sharing that. And the more I write, the more I understand Mike, so I really do get it when you say you understand your mom’s actions better. We are here to make life better for people like your mom. By sharing ideas, consolation and community. Thanks so much for sharing a piece of your life!
Sue, my timely reading of this has been so helpful. A week ago a good friend lost her husband (also a good friend) suddenly to a heart attack. They are part of a group of 4 couples; we've known one another for more than 25 years after we met moving into the same neighborhood so long ago. The two of them had just spent a month in France. But between the arrival of the flight from Paris and the connection to Denver, he had a heart attack. He was only one year my senior. All of us are shocked; he was the fit and healthy guy among our husbands. She retired this year and he was getting closer (although he loved what he did). They had lots of travel plans, including frequent visits to sons with grandkids on both coasts. This topic of consolation is so helpful to understanding how to be light to the person rolling through waves of tremendous grief. Your perspective helps me to not be worried about disturbing them more or bringing them more pain. When she finally makes it back home, we will all be here to tell stories, share photos and help her remember the happier times; memories that will hopefully sprinkle some light into the darkness. I also want to thank you for creating this blog. My mom was suddenly a widow at 32 with three girls under the age of 10. This blog would have certainly helped her be stronger if it had existed 56 years ago! You've helped me understand some things about my past too, so thanks again.