Reading the other comments, congratulations on the WSJ coverage! Another great piece, Sue. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything right, all the time? (And it's not just us, but others putting the pressure.) When I first saw Nerf on playgrounds I thought, "How horrible!" (Not a mom, but a former kid.) I thought children were being robbed of another chance to learn resilience, and part of resilience is learning not to fall again -- but knowing that, if you did, it will hurt, you will recover, there might be a scar, but so what? You'll be okay. Life is joy and pain intertwined. We have to learn to accept and appreciate that. And we need to learn how to support people when they are in the you-know-what (I really can't believe what that acquaintance said to you in the garage!!!). xo
Thanks Sandra - it’s been a wild ride since the WSJ piece came out. Love you ‘life is joy and pain intertwined’ - totally agree. And yep, people say the craziest things when they are up in their own head. It’s back to the bullseye on post #4: Console better. That’s the least we can do for the people deep in the you-know-what! Thanks for chiming in!
Thanks for another thought-provoking article, Sue! I tend to find solace in energy work, so when things begin to feel a little "too much" in my world, I turn to practices like Reiki, Qigong, or yoga to help reorient me back to myself and my inner wisdom (as well as help calm my often overreactive nervous system!) :)
Thanks Kerri, I find myself drawn the the calming practices as well - funny this is labeled energy work, but it really grounds our energy rather than producing more in the moment. (Or maybe that’s its secret sauce, it grounds our energy so that more arises once we get back in touch with ourselves). Thanks!
I also came across the luminist via WSJ and I’m stucked! I really enjoy the way …how you write in general, the depth in how you describe things ! I lost my brother - in cancer- 10 years ago (he was not only my brother but also a friend. We did almost everything together, even though he was 8 years older).
Magnus, we are happy to have you here all the way from Sweden - welcome! I am sorry for your loss, and hopefully you will find some solace with us here as we explore both our sadness and vibrant living, and laugh a bit along the way. Thanks.
Hi Sue, found your blog via the WSJ Mansion article on Friday. Enjoy your writing as you journey thru what C.S. Lewis called grief in A Grief Observed - "fear". Blessings on you and your children.
Thanks Marcia - like C.S. Lewis says ‘No one told me that grief felt so much like fear’ - I think its good to bring that out in the open so people are not surprised by that feeling. And he also compares it to suspense. And each of us has our own individual feelings that are all valid to our personal context and experience! Thank you and thanks for your blessings!
I loved this post. I love that we can find the strength somewhere to thrive, but that it isn’t a recipe or a competition. It’s us in our most authentic state.
Sue.......I came across your Luminist through the article in the Wall Street Journal this past Friday. I am 80 years old and just lost the love of my life after being together in a perfect relationship for 22 years. Yes, it took me 58 years to find my sweet Joan!! I am going to be catching up with your posts. I am only through Number 2. I think your writings will be very helpful for me. It's been 5 months and the emotional pain just doesn't seem to want to go away.
Don, we are here for you! I am so so sorry for the loss of your Joan. Five months seems like forever, and time doesn’t work in the old way when we lose someone we love. Please be gentle with yourself and make sure you are surrounding yourself with people who love you when you need that. You are in the midst of figuring out what works for you as a way forward. Don’t rush it. Be where you are right now even though it hurts. Our thoughts are with you.....❤️
Death and divorce are NOT the same; maybe, surprisingly, the stages one goes through after that loss are. I'm going into 17th year since my divorce and still surprise myself how much I still need different tools in my toolkit for "dealing" with it. My children are full-grown and amazing. And although I am fulfilled and an empty-nester, I am not lonely. As the Stoics believe, when everything around you seems out of control, one only needs to look inward for peace of mind and solace.
I only recently discovered your blog, Sue, and find much that resonates with me; with your loss, struggles and wisdom gained from dealing with all of it... Thanks, I'm a fan!
Keith, welcome! We are so happy you found us here. And yes, loss is the common thread between death and divorce and so many other ways we suffer. But here at The Luminist we are strong believers that there is no ‘hierarchy’ in suffering or loss. See post #7 (https://open.substack.com/pub/theluminist/p/7-the-art-of-receiving?r=kbmd9&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post) for a very cheesy stick figure ‘hierarchy pyramid’ to prove our point. You, Keith, have much to teach us from your specific form of loss, and you just put the Stoics in our tool kit (as did Christopher Anselmo from his comment on the Self-help Pride post, with a specific call-out to Ryan Holiday’s work - thanks Christopher!). Thanks for joining us and for adding your ideas, struggles and wisdom to the conversation!
Resilience is many different things to different people, even to the same person across different contexts or life phases.
My resilience through a life threatening accident several years ago, or during my critical encounter with covid in 2021, pretty long long-Corona thereafter, and even now as I am reeling in repeat covid encounter while still nursing multiple post-covid effects from last time — is so different from what I feel in my grief journey as a bereaved mother.
One thing is true though all across as Dr George Bonanno & you out so eloquently —that resilience does show up in one way or another.
Many thanks Sue for your touchingly brave & inspiring posts.
Reading the other comments, congratulations on the WSJ coverage! Another great piece, Sue. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything right, all the time? (And it's not just us, but others putting the pressure.) When I first saw Nerf on playgrounds I thought, "How horrible!" (Not a mom, but a former kid.) I thought children were being robbed of another chance to learn resilience, and part of resilience is learning not to fall again -- but knowing that, if you did, it will hurt, you will recover, there might be a scar, but so what? You'll be okay. Life is joy and pain intertwined. We have to learn to accept and appreciate that. And we need to learn how to support people when they are in the you-know-what (I really can't believe what that acquaintance said to you in the garage!!!). xo
Thanks Sandra - it’s been a wild ride since the WSJ piece came out. Love you ‘life is joy and pain intertwined’ - totally agree. And yep, people say the craziest things when they are up in their own head. It’s back to the bullseye on post #4: Console better. That’s the least we can do for the people deep in the you-know-what! Thanks for chiming in!
Thanks for another thought-provoking article, Sue! I tend to find solace in energy work, so when things begin to feel a little "too much" in my world, I turn to practices like Reiki, Qigong, or yoga to help reorient me back to myself and my inner wisdom (as well as help calm my often overreactive nervous system!) :)
Thanks Kerri, I find myself drawn the the calming practices as well - funny this is labeled energy work, but it really grounds our energy rather than producing more in the moment. (Or maybe that’s its secret sauce, it grounds our energy so that more arises once we get back in touch with ourselves). Thanks!
I also came across the luminist via WSJ and I’m stucked! I really enjoy the way …how you write in general, the depth in how you describe things ! I lost my brother - in cancer- 10 years ago (he was not only my brother but also a friend. We did almost everything together, even though he was 8 years older).
Magnus, we are happy to have you here all the way from Sweden - welcome! I am sorry for your loss, and hopefully you will find some solace with us here as we explore both our sadness and vibrant living, and laugh a bit along the way. Thanks.
Hi Sue, found your blog via the WSJ Mansion article on Friday. Enjoy your writing as you journey thru what C.S. Lewis called grief in A Grief Observed - "fear". Blessings on you and your children.
Thanks Marcia - like C.S. Lewis says ‘No one told me that grief felt so much like fear’ - I think its good to bring that out in the open so people are not surprised by that feeling. And he also compares it to suspense. And each of us has our own individual feelings that are all valid to our personal context and experience! Thank you and thanks for your blessings!
I loved this post. I love that we can find the strength somewhere to thrive, but that it isn’t a recipe or a competition. It’s us in our most authentic state.
Well said Wayne, ‘us in our most authentic state’! Always re-anchoring on that serves us in our good times and in our struggles. Thanks!
Sue.......I came across your Luminist through the article in the Wall Street Journal this past Friday. I am 80 years old and just lost the love of my life after being together in a perfect relationship for 22 years. Yes, it took me 58 years to find my sweet Joan!! I am going to be catching up with your posts. I am only through Number 2. I think your writings will be very helpful for me. It's been 5 months and the emotional pain just doesn't seem to want to go away.
Thanks.........Don Leedy, West Chester, OH
Don, we are here for you! I am so so sorry for the loss of your Joan. Five months seems like forever, and time doesn’t work in the old way when we lose someone we love. Please be gentle with yourself and make sure you are surrounding yourself with people who love you when you need that. You are in the midst of figuring out what works for you as a way forward. Don’t rush it. Be where you are right now even though it hurts. Our thoughts are with you.....❤️
Death and divorce are NOT the same; maybe, surprisingly, the stages one goes through after that loss are. I'm going into 17th year since my divorce and still surprise myself how much I still need different tools in my toolkit for "dealing" with it. My children are full-grown and amazing. And although I am fulfilled and an empty-nester, I am not lonely. As the Stoics believe, when everything around you seems out of control, one only needs to look inward for peace of mind and solace.
I only recently discovered your blog, Sue, and find much that resonates with me; with your loss, struggles and wisdom gained from dealing with all of it... Thanks, I'm a fan!
Keith, welcome! We are so happy you found us here. And yes, loss is the common thread between death and divorce and so many other ways we suffer. But here at The Luminist we are strong believers that there is no ‘hierarchy’ in suffering or loss. See post #7 (https://open.substack.com/pub/theluminist/p/7-the-art-of-receiving?r=kbmd9&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post) for a very cheesy stick figure ‘hierarchy pyramid’ to prove our point. You, Keith, have much to teach us from your specific form of loss, and you just put the Stoics in our tool kit (as did Christopher Anselmo from his comment on the Self-help Pride post, with a specific call-out to Ryan Holiday’s work - thanks Christopher!). Thanks for joining us and for adding your ideas, struggles and wisdom to the conversation!
Resilience is many different things to different people, even to the same person across different contexts or life phases.
My resilience through a life threatening accident several years ago, or during my critical encounter with covid in 2021, pretty long long-Corona thereafter, and even now as I am reeling in repeat covid encounter while still nursing multiple post-covid effects from last time — is so different from what I feel in my grief journey as a bereaved mother.
One thing is true though all across as Dr George Bonanno & you out so eloquently —that resilience does show up in one way or another.
Many thanks Sue for your touchingly brave & inspiring posts.