#88: Working with emotions.
Are we ruled by, running from, or relaxing into what we're feeling?
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Hello dear reader! I’ll have many more insights and stories from the pilgrimage in upcoming posts. But right now I’ve got this excellent post that Leona and I wrote pre-pilgrimage for you. We’re back to being verbose!
That sinking feeling when you realize you’re being taken out to the woodshed…
It was late 2017 and my boss had invited me into his office, then shut the door. Damn. I raked my memory — had I screwed up during the investor meeting? Did he not like my recent proposal? Were my new red glasses too bold??
Thankfully, he got straight to the point. “Sue, you need to figure out how to manage your emotions. Everyone can read what you’re thinking on your face. If you’re not careful, you can blow a deal with just your expression.”
Perfect, my face was the problem.
Back in my office, I closed my door, then my blinds, and burst into tears. I knew my emotions were all over the place. Mike had been gone for a year, but it’s like the faucet on my feelings had rusted in the “open” position.
This was the opposite of Old Sue, who kept all her emotional expression under wraps, even to herself. But after being knocked to the other side of the expression spectrum, I realized I had come to enjoy it… well, sort of. Enjoy isn’t the right word. I didn’t enjoy sobbing when the wrong song came on the radio. But it was cathartic. After any big emotion blew through me — grief, anger, even awe and wonder — I felt lighter.
However, it was clearly time to reel it back in. Could I find a happy middle? Could I use my emotions for good rather than chaos?
For the next six months, I muted my emotional reactions — when one of the kids copped an attitude, when a team member didn’t deliver on a promise, when I stepped on and snapped my favorite red glasses.
When 2017 was said and done, here is what I had learned…
Emotions are, at their foundation, energy. And that energy needs to be processed.
Very quickly I realized that ignoring what I was feeling did not make it go away. Sure, I didn’t have to cry in front of the potential investor, but I would have to cry sometime. I came to understand that if I followed the emotional urge as purely as I could — sob when I wanted to sob, punch a pillow when I wanted to punch a face, curl up in a ball and call a friend when I wanted to disappear — I would feel better in a matter of minutes. The problems came when I decided I could outrun or outsmart an emotion.
“I’m feeling like I need to cry, but I don’t have time for that. I’m just going to order a second vodka gimlet.” or “I’m feeling a lot of pressure... Instead I’ll go to a 6am kettlebell workout and avoid thinking about it at all costs.” or “I have a fun day planned with the kids but I feel like a rain cloud is following me around. I’ll just eat this donut and hope the sugar rush fixes that!”
This NEVER works. The emotional energy will find its release, and the longer we ignore it the more impatient it becomes. Worst case scenario, we end up expressing our pent-up emotional energy through other, more harmful expressions: snapping at coworkers for no reason; bingeing on distractions, sugar, alcohol; alienating those we love the most.
We often treat emotions like the problem, but what if they are the cure? Let them flow and you’ll feel better. Suppress them, and it will only get worse.
(Note about kettlebells: working out can be an effective and healthy way of processing an emotion. It can also be a distraction technique. It can even be a third thing. More on that below…)
Sometimes we have to pause our emotional expression. But that’s different from suppressing our emotions.
“I’m upset right now, but I’ll have space to feel that later,” is a post-it note I wish I had been smart enough to write myself in 2017.
But I was still learning the difference between suppression and suspension of emotion.
Because there were moments when it was neither appropriate nor helpful for me to unload all that I was feeling. My kids often saw me cry, for example, but they didn’t need to see me collapse. Or if a work project didn’t go as expected, it wouldn’t be productive for me to lose my shit. I could express disappointment with my team, and then be properly pissed off while I was swinging my kettlebells.
Emotions have stunning social-bonding benefits… when wielded thoughtfully. But if they are thrown around without concern for context (or ignored until they erupt), they mostly do damage.
And sometimes, we just need a moment to zone out. In post #5, I described how I used to binge the Star Wars movies, using the distraction as a break from All The Emotions. I would get back to them soon enough. But at that moment, my nervous system needed a respite. Two or six or even sometimes eight hours later I would rejoin reality, better rested and more optimistic.
No coping mechanism is inherently bad (more on this in post #22). We just have to be honest with ourselves as we reach for the remote, kettlebell, or sweet treat: am I processing, am I giving myself a break, or am I stuffing something important down deep?
Mature emotional expression — the kind that improves our lives — is a skill we can all learn.
I used to be so resistant to feeling anything besides “good” that I would switch the radio station if a sad song came on! If I can change, anyone can.
Start with walks by yourself, talks with good friends, the inside of your notebook — the places where you feel safe to be authentic and vulnerable. Ask yourself two questions:
What am I feeling?
How would it feel to let that feeling flow through me?
That’s it. Let it flow and flow and flow… Your cheeks might get hot, you might cry, or even wail, or stomp your feet, or swing a kettlebell with the ferocity of Chewbacca.
And then it will subside. Science tells us that the crest of an emotion will only last about 90 seconds. Certain emotions will arise again, like the waves of grief that many of us have experienced, but if we can remember that each wave will pass, we can let it flow through us rather than fighting it.
We’re often worried that if we dive into our negative emotions, we’ll never feel anything good again. The opposite is true. Feeling the grief, rage, or fear will actually set us free.
When we aren’t afraid to feel:
we stop running away from what’s going on inside our own heads
we become more present with our lives and loved ones
we actually enjoy the good things even more when they come
Feeling emotions is like exercising — we might not want to do it, but when we do, we almost always feel better.
So I learned to shut my door — and in extreme cases shove a towel into the space under the door — so I could cry it out when the need arose.
After washing my face and waiting for the redness to dissipate, I was able to meet my colleagues, my team members, and my kids with my full presence.
Continuously masking my emotions from others didn’t work — people felt like I was aloof and disengaged. But when I sought out appropriate moments to express my frustration or fear or regret, I could show up to the rest of my day with an open heart.
That’s how I became the new Sue Deagle, the one that shared her story in the Wall Street Journal, writes to thousands every week about the hardest parts of our lives, and has a network of BFFs around the world. In conversations with old colleagues, new connections, or even the REI sales associate, I can show up. Because I’m not hiding from any part of the emotional spectrum.
Don’t get me wrong, grief and despair still suck. But they have never been permanent fixtures in my life. Their monsoon clouds blow through, drop two feet of water on my crops, and clear out. In their aftermath comes growth and gratitude.
Feelings aren’t signs of weakness, they are signs of humanity.
They aren’t diversions, they are explicit directions.
When we learn to work with our emotions rather than against them, we can ride their waves into fulfillment, connection, and full-hearted living.
With feeling,
The quote I wrote in my journal, “Feelings aren’t signs of weakness, they are signs of humanity.” Brilliant writing, as always. Greatly appreciated!