#110: Waiting, preparing, considering, overthinking... ourselves into oblivion.
Making a big decision is scary. Staying stuck should be scarier.
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“Can you just wait? Wait to break up until I get home?”
It was Day 11 on the pilgrim trail. I’d gotten my bearings, my routine, and my cheese sandwich strategy down. But I carried a worry tucked at the back of my brain. My daughter Kendall was having boy issues.
While she was mulling over what to do, I put in that ridiculous request: can you wait?
You know, for TWENTY MORE DAYS?
You know, so I can be there to support and help?
You know, because you are my baby and I don’t want to be so far away when the difficulties of life come raining down?
“Mom! Geez. I can handle this. I’ll do it my way.”
Yes, yes, of course she would. And she did.
A couple days later, her relationship was officially kaput, she was moving on, and I was left wondering if she was too rash or if I was too timid…
How much time do we grownups spend waiting?
Waiting for the exact right timing.
Waiting for the right decision to reveal itself.
Waiting for when we’ll know for sure, when all risks are eliminated, when our choice is guaranteed to be smooth sailing.
That increment of time? It’s called FOREVER.
What happens in the meantime? Decisions are made for us. Our relationship disintegrates in a blaze of sparks and fury. Our job gets pulled out from underneath us when we’re least prepared for it. Our wavering friendship implodes.
Essentially, the other shoe drops… but from a hand that isn’t ours, leaving us hurt, frustrated, afraid.
But wait. (Lol.) This doesn’t feel like us, right?
We are thoughtful, insightful, action-oriented people! We get shit done. Our careers, mortgages, families, friend groups, our 10k races and bowling leagues, our blow-out vacations and surprise parties attest to our do-do-doer-ness.
We are engaged with life and forward motion in so many areas of our lives. But paradoxically, we are avowed ‘waiters’ in the areas that count the most. Where the stakes are highest. Where a wrong move might ruin our day, week, month. Or life.
However, we don’t realize that waiting itself is a decision — we’re putting the choice directly in the universe’s hands, crossing our fingers, and pretending we’re being “responsible”.
I’m furious about this topic right now because of a play I just saw…
Waiting for Godot.
You might have heard of it.
It’s maddening. The premise of the play is two dudes are waiting. You know…for Godot. They don’t really know who he is. What he does. Exactly what will happen when he shows. But they feel confident waiting is the right thing, because Godot will come with answers.
Answers on what to do next.
They share flashes of anger, despair, uncertainty, and boredom (as did I, trying to figure out what this play was about). But in the end they always just come back around to agreeing that waiting is the only way to go. They’ll give Godot one more day to show up with his answers.
Then another.
Then another.
As I sat there checking my watch, it’s like I could feel life slipping away as the two characters decided over and over again that doing nothing was better than doing something.
Because they wanted to be sure they were doing the right something.
And every time I’ve done the same thing, or recommended that my kids, friends, colleagues do the same thing, flashed before my eyes.
At the root of so much indecision is waiting for the knowing to tap us on the shoulder and whisper, “this way!”
But knowing rarely shows up like a giant, flashing LED arrow. So we rest instead on the odd, self-sabotaging comfort of indecision, defaulting to what we know rather than risk possible sacrifice for an uncertain outcome.
But is that really living?
I believe there is more out there in the world for most of us.
Not more things, more life.
A vibrant life that expresses our talents, our hard-earned wisdom, along with our needs and evolving values. But how do we get from here to there, if we don’t know the way? If we don’t have Godot giving us all the answers?
I can’t just say to any of us “stop waiting!” That’s like saying to my grieving self “stop being sad!” Our brains are not short order cooks, taking instructions and churning out eggs over easy with a side of courage and fortitude. Instead of Godot, it turns out that my literary crush, Oliver Burkeman, has some suggestions. (Unsurprisingly.)
In Meditations for Mortals, he suggests that we need to obsesses less over The Right Choice, and focus instead on taking small, imperfect actions. By prioritizing movement, in whatever direction, we reclaim agency in the situation — the ‘situation’ being our own damn life.
“As you withdraw your psychological energies from denial or avoidance and focus them on action, momentum starts to gather, and each decision proves easier to take than the last.”
He’s not telling us to quit tomorrow, break up tonight, resign immediately from our little league coaching gig. It’s not as terrifying as all that. He’s just encouraging us to embrace our agency by taking some, any imperfect action.
Burkeman defines ‘action’ as having two simple characteristics:
1 — It’s tangible.
Open up the word doc and begin revising your resume; call your mom and discuss the pros and cons of breaking up; write down a list of other candidates to take over your coaching gig. Do something on paper, in person, IRL. Not up in your head.
2 — It can be so small.
Here’s a cause for relief: size does not matter. Want to go for something big? Don’t let me stop you. But a series of smaller choices can keep our nervous system from seeing change as a big threat and high-diving into fight/flight/freeze mode. The tangible examples above? None are giant leaps of faith that require a new degree, cross-country move, or shaving your head. Don’t let your brain fear monger you into paralysis.
“To move forward, we have to choose, and keep on choosing,” Burkeman says.
“I’m no longer waiting, wondering, worrying. I can’t be sure I made the ‘right’ choice, but I feel relief anyway.”
That was my editor Leona talking about a big change she just made. Yes, the decision was super hard. Yes, processing it has involved tears and wine. But she’s no longer stuck; life feels like an open road of possibility again. Other choices have started to cascade through her, like puzzle pieces clicking into place.
Knowing, in all its hyped-up glory, is actually not that easy to come by from a cold start. A couple of laps around the track, via small tangible actions, opens up a path to see things more clearly.
Because chances are, Godot is not going to just show up with the answers.
But if one of those dudes had walked even half a mile down the road, he might’ve realized that right around the bend there was a library or a wise monk or traveling circus — anything that could have been more helpful than waiting.
But I digress…
In action,
P.S. I shared last week about my nascent Noticing Odes practice (sounds like an ACTION, right?). As an accountability exercise, I wanted to share that I’m… loving it! My eyes are peeled, my notes app, and index finger is getting a workout, and I’m evoking really heartwarming memories and stories from my life while capturing the ideas. Here’s a peek:
😂😂